Lights on, door open, nobody at home
As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.
He’s as bent as a butchers hook
He’s as happy as a Pig in $hit
About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box
About as subtle as a flying brick
She’s got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum
She’s more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs
As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm
She’s stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.
About as interesting as watching paint dry
Av seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard
I’ve seen better hands on a clock
As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market
He’s as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day
She’s got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits
As nervous as a turkey at Christmas
She’s seen more ceilings than Michelagelo
She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel
She’s as fit as a butchers dog
She’s got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag
As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse
His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender
Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.
As rare as a brass monkey’s bollocks
As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner
This guy is all foam, no beer.
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
About as useless as a jam sandwich to a drowning rabbit.
A legend in his own mind…
He’s an expert on padded cells.
He couldnae engineer his way outta paper bag!